How Turning 50 Completely Changed Me

I sat on the twin bed that came with the Tribeca sublet I was living in when I turned 50 and tried not to cry. On one hand, I was living in a luxury building in one of the best neighborhoods in New York City. Only, none of the furnishings were mine. It was like being a guest or high-level camping. The rent was below market rates because at any moment I might have to move out if the landlady needed the space for her daughter or some other imminent problem. There was no stove, just a hot plate, but it had one big window that faced a beautiful park. My birthday is in February and we were deep into snow and cold. The park was gray and I was living unsettled on a ski slope toward old age — an age we are trained to fear.

Never married with no prospects, my Greenwich street address couldn’t hide that while I had just graduated from higher education with two degrees, straight A’s and heaps of debt past midlife, I still seemed to be unemployable — at least to hiring managers for regular full-time roles. I thought going back to school would mean doors would open. In my 40s, I won interviews for almost all of the jobs I applied to. Each hiring manager did a version of the same thing. They tossed me out, hung up on me and even slammed a door in my face without so much as a parking validation for not having a college degree. Now, with all of the credentials, they didn’t even ask me inside. One woman did chat with me on the phone for a few minutes.

 “You wouldn’t fit in here,” she said. “We’re all in our twenties.” Although I had just worked beautifully with classmates half my age, she would not be swayed. I was aged out of possibilities that were not at all valid. It wasn’t quite yet invisibility — that was for the dating apps.

I remember putting my photos up on those apps when I was in my 30s and how overwhelmed I was by the sheer amount of requests to connect. Now the hearts were few and most of those were scams. As my hormones calmed down, apparently so did my appeal. I still looked basically the same — same size, same energy — but I was past offering heirs. And even if that wasn’t top of mind for the men out there, they were still choosing hormones and drama over experience and ease.

My friend Kelly and I met for lunch. It had been a while since we saw each other for one of our frequent visits when she was in the city. As she sat down at the table, she said with an astonished tone, “You look exactly the same.” I laughed and said, “You do too.”