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What It Is Like To Have Anticipatory Anxiety
How to become someone who feels worried without spiraling.
Jia Liu
“When you have a minute, stop by my office.”
My stomach dropped as soon as I heard my boss’ words. Butterflies took over and my mind raced: What did I do wrong? Omg someone must have complained about me. I immediately grew defensive: I hate this job anyways. If I am getting in trouble for something, I quit. And for the next two hours, I could focus only on the imaginative “trouble” I was about to get in. Anxiety consumed me.
Fast forward to the hour of truth. With shaking hands, I walked into my boss’ office. “I just wanted to tell you what a great job you have been doing. We had an administrative meeting, and everyone was singing your praises. Thank you for all of your hard work and commitment to the team.” It was in this moment that I realized just how untrustworthy my own brain was — and how much time was wasted in panic, fear and discomfort. Why do I always jump to the worst-case scenario? And why am I constantly living in guilt-mode — as if I’ve done something I’ll get caught for?
It turns out this type of anxiety has a name: anticipatory anxiety. It can be fed by catastrophic thinking, and it is quite common. I reached out to Colette Jane Fehr, LMFT, psychotherapist, to get the 4-1-1 on this phenomenon. Here’s what she had to say (and for the record, her insight has helped me tremendously):
It’s Normal
Familiarity is safe, whereas big, fat questions marks are scary. This means, as Fehr says, that anticipatory anxiety is your brain’s way of protecting you by trying to make sense of the unknown. “… your nervous system is doing what it’s wired to do,” which is to keep you safe.
Often times, life experiences can condition our brains “to assume danger [rather than] to assume everything is fine.” For example, if you hear a startling noise in the bushes late at night, “it’s better to think predator and be ready [to face danger] than to assume it’s just the wind and be wrong.” And for some people, this pattern of assuming danger or being particularly alert to interpersonal trouble starts for a reason. For example, maybe being hyper-aware of other people’s moods helped a person to feel safer or more connected within their family. The hyper-aware part of them was trying to help; it is not the enemy.
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When it comes to relationships, we crave connection and acceptance. It’s human nature to desire acceptance and approval from those we love or those in a position of authority. Fear of rejection or “getting in trouble” at work is, therefore, a powerful force. The thoughts and the fears are normal, and they are trying to protect you. It’s what you do next that matters most.
It Can be Tamed
You may not be able to completely stop the catastrophic thinking and that’s okay. “You just don’t want to let it take over.” Acknowledge the thoughts by “[using] a mindfulness technique called noting. Say the words out loud: ‘I’m assuming the worst.’” Fehr explains that this is helpful because it “creates some space between the thought and the idea that [the thought] must be true.” Then, focus on staying in the present moment. “Take a breath. Feel your feet on the floor.” Next, remember that your anxiety is due to the unknown and “remind yourself that just because it feels true doesn't mean it is.” Focus only on the facts you know to be true: I have a meeting with my boss. He has always been supportive and kind in the past. Take deep breaths, stay in the present and remind yourself you can get through anything that comes your way. “When you can notice the thought and hold it lightly, it doesn’t have so much power over you.”
It Can Also Get Better
The brain is a fascinating organ, and it can indeed be re-conditioned. If you practice mindfulness, noting (as mentioned above), and staying calm and present in the face of uncertainty, your brain will learn a new and improved response to the unknown. In other words, you get to update your brain’s conditioning. The goal is to show “your system that uncertainty doesn’t automatically mean danger.” You can offer yourself compassion for fearing the worst and stay open to the unknown. When you start trusting yourself in moments of uncertainty, thoughts have less power and things feel lighter.
Be patient, give yourself grace and compassion, and trust the process. “You don’t have to become someone who never worries, but you can become someone who feels worried without spiraling.”
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