Fitness
The Phrase That Changed My Whole Life
The big impact it had on my success.
Amrita Marino
I’ve never been very interested in one-liners, from quotes on a t-shirt or cup to inspirational mantras in planners. Until.
A therapist friend of mine, in passing, threw out a one-liner that went something like this: "Life punishes the vague wish and rewards the specific ask." It originally comes from Tim Ferriss, the author of "Tribe of Mentors." I’d never grabbed a notepad and scribbled down a phrase so fast.
It hit at a moment when I felt I couldn’t access what I needed, really, and sometimes wasn’t even sure what that was. As a busy working mom of five running my own business, I didn’t spend a whole lot of time pondering exactly what I needed, let alone how to ask it in a way that yielded results.
Here are all the ways this phrase changed my life — and can change yours, too.
At a restaurant
You don’t want to be behind me in a food line, because I am now an expert orderer. I politely ask for exactly what I want, including amounts, to create the best meals for me. This comes from my obsession with this phrase, and has resulted in better meals ever since. Did you know you can order a latte 1/4th sweet? Sounds specific, even obnoxiously so. It’s also delicious, and has way fewer empty calories.
In relationships
“I need to feel like a priority.” It’s a phrase we’ve all uttered in some form or another to our partners. But what the heck does it mean? If you don’t know, like I didn’t, our partners sure don’t. Colette Jane Fehr, licensed psychotherapist and author of "The Cost of Quiet: How to Have the Hard Conversations That Create Secure, Lasting Love" in Orlando, says a common issue she sees with couples is not explaining exactly what it looks like to be a priority or get more support. “Everyone experiences care differently, so if you want someone to meet your needs, you have to spell them out and say exactly what that would look like for you.”
One couple she worked with had this issue when she wasn’t feeling well, so her husband started suggesting medications. Finally, she realized how to ask: “What I really need right now is a hug.”
At work
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This is where the vagueness was so real, I couldn’t believe I hadn’t seen it before. I’d end high-stakes calls where I wanted a new client to hire me without making the ask, or without spelling out specifically what type of partnership I wanted. I’d end the call feeling like I’d failed. Really, I had.
Fehr says anytime the other person is left to interpret what you mean, you aren’t being specific. “People hint instead of saying what they actually want. Someone might say something like, ‘I’ve been thinking about my role and wondering about future opportunities,’ when what they really mean is they want a promotion or a raise. The person on the other side is left trying to interpret what’s being asked.”
In parenting
Ever told a kid to clean up a whole room? When you come back, there are likely a few things shoved to the sides. Maybe the clutter has essentially been rearranged. Instead, I literally started taking pictures of areas that needed help, and also pictures of what a cleaned-up area looked like. Suddenly, kids were much better helpers. Similarly, a kid in charge of kitchen clean up had to “clear all the surfaces,” a language shift from “do the kitchen” that resulted in dishes put away, but also random homework folders and other junk disappearing too (thank God).
The work before it works
Unfortunately, it’s not always easy knowing exactly what you want. I’ve found I had to do some significant internal work to figure it out so I could even make the specific ask. Fehr gives another example of a woman carrying the mental and physical load of the house, who was saying, “I just need more help.” It wasn’t until she asked, “I’m feeling overwhelmed managing the house and the kids. What would really help me is if you handled the laundry each week and took responsibility for getting the kids to school a couple of mornings,” that she said the shift in the room was immediate, and he felt relief and said he could totally do that.
I had to figure out — what else did I need from my partner I wasn’t getting? How can I be clearer to my assistant, my kids, and my work partners? This act of taking responsibility for ambiguity was hard, but necessary.
“A lot of women will say, ‘I shouldn’t have to explain this. He should just know.’ But that’s often our fear of being vulnerable in disguise. If you want your needs to be met, you have to put them out there and make them clear and specific,” she adds. “We all secretly wish our partners could read our minds. But underneath that is often a quieter truth: if I say it out loud and it doesn’t happen, that’s going to hurt. Part of emotional maturity is recognizing that it’s our job to make our needs clear and specific, even when it feels a little uncomfortable. That’s what actually gives your partner a real chance to show up for you.”
So the work before it works is simple — spend some time alone getting real about what you want, at home, as a parent, at work, and in relationships. Then you can make the specific ask, and your specificity will be rewarded.
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