The Best Parenting Decision I Ever Made

Each played the hero in their personal sagas, with the other cast as the villain. They were constantly trying to get me, and their dad, Erik, on “their” side.

When Erik and I got divorced almost a decade ago, our family dynamic changed. Then when Erik died unexpectedly five years ago, that dynamic was upended.

I needed to be strong, and capable, and loving, and absolutely on top of my children’s well-being at all times. At 15 and 10, they were grief-stricken and traumatized and yet protected, at least to a degree, by their youth. I was reckoning with the fact that Ryan would never hear his dad cheer his three-pointer at a basketball game and that it would be me, not her dad, who would walk Haley down the aisle at her wedding. I was grieving not only the present but the future. I morphed into a helicopter parent overnight, persistently hovering and trying to take their emotional temperatures.

As we moved forward, their relationship changed. They grew closer, and the triangulation shifted. Now, instead of Haley complaining to me about Ryan, or Ryan carping about Haley, they joined forces. They aligned with each other, and I was on the other side.

It didn’t feel great. They teased me about my lack of cool or when I struggled with teen-speak or set the smoke detector off when cooking dinner. Sometimes I felt like the unpopular kid, the one left out of the jokes and the stories and the fun.

Until I realized that as my kids grow older, the best thing I can do for them as a parent is to support their bond.

The Longest Relationships You’ll Have

Sibling relationships are the longest ones we have — you will likely spend decades longer with your siblings than with your parents, or your partner(s), or your kids. Eighty-five percent of us have siblings — you know, the people you grow up with and share a bathroom with and are occasionally, or frequently, irritated by. The tiny subset of humans who share your genetics and upbringing and childhood experiences are also the ones who know not only how to push your buttons with amazing efficiency, but how those buttons got there in the first place.

And those sibling relationships impact your overall happiness. Research shows that strong, positive sibling relationships in early adulthood mean that you’re less likely to have symptoms of anxiety and depression by middle age. The benefits continue throughout life; older adults with warm sibling relationships are less likely to be lonely than those with more distant relationships.

Sibling Relationships Can Improve Over Time

I’m the oldest of four kids, and I wasn’t that close with my siblings growing up. But over the last two decades, I’ve prioritized the relationship I have with my younger brothers and sister, and their partners and kids. We talk and text often, see each other when we can, and take a family trip to the lake every summer. Our pack of kids (who range from 21 to 16 months) are growing up, and having fun, and making memories, together.

But I don’t want my kids to wait until midlife to recognize the value, and the importance, and the meaning, of the connection they have as siblings. Partly because they love each other, and I want to them to be happy. And partly because, at 60, I know my time with them is finite.

My role as a parent has shifted. I’m less caretaker and confidante, more counselor and cheerleader these days. I cherish the one-on-one time I have with each of them, but my favorite parenting moments are when the three of us are together, hanging out, talking, and laughing on our front patio or over dinner or watching a movie from the 80s I insist they see. Even when they snicker over my incompetence with phone settings or social media.

Because I know that one day (please, a long, long time from now) they’ll no longer be able to triangulate, at least not against me. They’ll be left with memories of their mom — and, I hope, a strong, loving, ride-or-die bond that will live as long as they do.