Fitness
The Fear I Finally Let Go Of With Age
It's just so liberating.
Jenny Chang-Rodriguez
Recently, a friend and I met for lunch to catch up on life. We have known each other for over three decades, since our children were babies. In the early days of our friendship, we were a lifeline for one another, someone to discuss in detail everything from sleepless nights with a newborn to the tears involved in the first kindergarten drop-off.
As days got busier, we saw each other less, but we still caught up by phone and made sure to meet in person when our schedules aligned. Her son had recently gotten married, and we were discussing all the details, including his ring purchase, proposal, and preliminary plans for the couple’s upcoming nuptials.
Being friends as long as we have, I noticed a subtle change in her body language as our conversation about the wedding continued. She seemed a bit uncomfortable when I asked questions about the date and venues they were considering. She mentioned that as the mother of the groom, she respected the decisions of her future daughter-in-law and her parents.
Suddenly, I realized what the change in her demeanor was all about. Rather than skate around it, I leaned in and said, “You know, I totally understand if you can’t invite me to the wedding. I’m just so happy for all of you.”
The tension on her face immediately lifted. Clearly, she was grateful I had brought the topic up, and even more, she was relieved that I understood that it wasn’t personal. The rest of our lunch continued with happy chatter and no awkwardness whatsoever.
Looking back, it dawned on me that years ago, I would not have been able to have an open exchange like this.
Instead of enjoying lunch with an old friend, I’d have been distracted by my insecurities. Fear of missing out and of being left out would have sent me in a spiral wondering why she would even consider not including me on this special day. I’d start worrying she didn’t value me as much as her other friends.
But as I’ve gotten older, I’ve changed. My great fear of missing out has dissipated, and it's liberating.
It’s Not About Me
I’m sure my friend’s son’s wedding will be amazing, and if I were invited, I would happily attend.
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But there was no need to add to my friend’s stress. Having planned my daughter’s wedding years ago, I know there are many reasons you invite or don't invite certain people, and it’s rarely personal or meant to be hurtful. Factors such as financial constraints, couples' wishes, and family obligations can all be factors.
The same can be true for a smaller function. I’ve stopped getting paranoid if I‘m not invited to every card game, group couples dinner, or girls’ night out. Sometimes people want to talk one-on-one, or maybe the restaurant can only accommodate a reservation for six people, and you aren’t included. Granted, if I felt I was always the one being left out, I'd probably get concerned. But as I’ve gotten older, I have gained confidence in myself and in the strength of my connections. Sometimes you don’t get the invitation, and that’s okay.
Fear of Missing Out Causes You to Miss Out
I’ve realized that “fear of missing out” was actually making me miss out on the present-day moments. In the past, I would have wasted my entire lunch with my friend being upset or distracted. Instead, we had a really nice afternoon.
By letting my friend know I wasn’t upset with her, we were able to continue an honest dialogue. Even if I wasn't on the guest list, I wanted her to continue to be comfortable sharing the details of her son's big day with me. I also wanted her to know that even if I missed the festivities, I could still share her happiness. I've realized FOMO can be a selfish emotion. I didn't want the spotlight on me and my feelings but rather on my friend (and her son).
More Plans Doesn’t Mean Better Plans
I used to feel like I had to say yes to every invitation I received. I worried that if I declined, people might stop including me. Now I am comfortable saying no if a plan doesn't work for me, or asking for a raincheck. Being more discerning means that when I do say yes, I am fully present. I no longer attend out of fear I’ll miss out, but out of a true desire to be at an event.
A calendar with too many unplanned days used to unnerve me; I’d fear I was missing out on something. Now that my fear is gone, I see a free day as an opportunity. Whether I spend it with my husband, my kids, a friend, or by myself, I can make the day a good one.
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