Fitness
What I Do To Keep My Best Friendships Alive
It's sometimes hard to do but it's so worth it.
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After a heated conversation with a man I was seeing, I called my closest friend to vent.
As soon as she picked up the phone, I couldn’t even say hello, and I started talking in circles. I was stumbling all over the place and I couldn’t find my words. I honestly didn’t know how I was feeling at that moment. Was I upset? Did I even care? Was I relieved that he showed me his true colors so I could walk away and avoid yet another man who I knew wasn’t right for me? Or was I bringing in some old stuff from past relationships?
She just let me talk without interrupting me. And by the time my verbal diarrhea was over, I was calm and came to the conclusion (on my own) that things wouldn’t work out with him and I was so riled up because I hated confrontation, but I was glad I spoke up about something he did that bothered me because that was something I’d struggled with.
This all happened without her saying anything except for reminding me that I was safe. After we hung up the phone, I felt so good. I realized it was because she listened to me process out loud and that was really what I needed.
She didn’t give me advice. She wasn’t listening just to respond. She didn’t fill the quiet moments with “mmm-hmm” or “good for you.” And she didn’t tell me about a time when something similar happened to her. She was truly there, and she just listened. That was it. It made me think of all the times I really needed to be heard and the person sitting across from me showered me with unsolicited advice, which has always made me feel a little agitated.
If I’m being honest though, I’ve been guilty of the same thing. The urge to want to do something for someone who has come to you with something they’re struggling with is real. For a lot of us, it’s not helpful. Instead of building trust, it doesn’t make the other person feel heard, and even though it’s well-intended it can feel dismissive.
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Ever since that conversation, I’ve really focused on listening to my friends when they come to me with anything, good or bad. If someone wants advice or if they want to know if you’ve ever been in a similar situation, they will ask you. Having the space to talk freely helped me come to my own answers without being clouded by my friend’s opinion, and it removed the pressure to have it all figured out by the end of our conversation. It created such an emotionally safe space, that I wanted to mirror that in all my friendships.
It’s taken some practice, and I certainly haven’t done it perfectly. It can be hard to hold my tongue at times because I feel like I have an idea that could really help them, but just being there to listen and remember that the conversation isn’t about me, my experiences, or what I think, has been so rewarding.
My friendships have deepened and it’s been more fulfilling for me to offer emotional support rather than rush into “fixer mode.” If you do feel the need to help, a great question to ask is, “What do you need?” At that point, if they want advice, they will let you know. Even then, it’s so important to remember they may not take it, and that’s okay. They don’t have to. It’s their life and you are only there for support.
I’m in my 50s. And at this point in my life, my female friendships are vital. Learning how to keep them alive and healthy is so important to me. And how amazing is it that just sitting back and listening to our friends can benefit the friendships this much?
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