What I Do Even Though I'm Happily Married

I’ve always had trouble saying goodbye to people, even my ex-boyfriends. Most of my relationships ended amicably, but it was still difficult to walk away from the men who had been a big part of my life at a time when I had so much learning and growing to do.

Before the Internet, I had no way of keeping in touch with my exes other than an occasional phone call which, whoever my current boyfriend was at the time, would not appreciate. All I had were old photos and the loving mementos I kept in a large box in the back of my closet. Sometimes, I’d pull out the box and relive my past, wondering whatever became of my old lovers.

Social media changed everything for me. At first, I wasn’t sure about using it, but once I joined Facebook and Instagram, things got interesting. I looked up the names of all the men I had dated or liked, sent out friend requests, and enjoyed getting a glimpse into their lives now. Many were married, had kids, a few wrinkles, and some gray hair, but they were still as handsome as I remembered. Our online conversations were innocent, just commenting on each other’s posts, though sometimes they turned a little flirty: “I remember that beautiful smile ... I’ve never forgotten that first date ... you made life so fun back then.”

My husband was aware of my online friend circle, and although he wasn’t thrilled to learn I was in touch with several old flames, he trusted I wouldn’t run off with the high school boy who gave me a $25 promise ring or the one from college who took me for a wild ride on his motorcycle.

When Throwback Thursday became a thing on Facebook several years ago, I shared photos each week of memories with my gal pals and old boyfriends. This was like opening Pandora’s Box, and soon, messages from some of the men I dated in the past were sliding into my DMs. I’ll admit that it was a confidence booster to hear that there was a time when I mattered deeply to these men, and that they still looked back fondly on the memories we made. In many ways, it was reassuring that the love we once shared had been real.

I corresponded regularly online with several of my exes (all married now), and it was great remembering some of our best times together. It was also an eye-opener to learn how different our recollections were. Some breakups were based on unfounded rumors, while others came from misconstrued conversations and false information. Mostly, we had just outgrown each other. We had hurt each other in ways we never understood at the time, and yet, we had moved on without resentment.

Naturally, these nostalgic conversations led to many “what ifs” which sometimes left me a bit sad, although I knew I would never want to go back in time to rewrite our history.

But that didn’t lessen the thrill I felt every time a new message popped up in my DMs ... which also made me question my need to be a small part of their current lives.