Fitness
The One Self-Care Tip That Changed My Life
Talk about a game-changer!
Krittika Mittal
I’m a recovering perfectionist, and learning to let go of high expectations has been a game-changing self-care tip in my life. Less stress, less judgment and a whole lot of grace. But letting go didn’t come easily for me; I come from a long line of perfectionists — a trait passed down through generations like a coveted family recipe. I had a mother who ironed bedsheets weekly until they were crisp enough to bounce a quarter off when she stretched them over the mattress.
My father, a banker and realtor, was a perfectionist when it came to investments and crunching numbers.
Appearances were also a priority in my family; there was never a hair out of place, no missing buttons, no stains on clothing and shoes gleamed with fresh polish. Anything less was unacceptable and meant starting over. Following my parents’ perfectionist patterns, I absorbed their rituals, believing that nothing — including myself — was ever good enough until it was flawless. In our house, failure was not an option.
“When parents set unattainable expectations and overvalue accomplishments, their children tend to internalize the messaging, which underpins these rigid standards,” according to research from the London School of Economics and Political Science. “They define themselves in relation to their achievements and tie their self-worth to how they perform in school, how they look and how they measure in relation to other socially prescribed benchmarks of success.”
Unfortunately, these high standards set by parents put debilitating pressure on children seeking perfection, leaving them wrestling with their self-worth whenever they fall short of family expectations.
Because everyone needs a Girlfriend™
Sign up to receive our free weekly newsletter every Thursday.
For years, I believed that my perfectionism was the norm. Even my husband, early on, found it an endearing asset. I ran our home with military precision — taping color-coded schedules on the fridge — every chore, every meal and every errand was expected to be done to perfection. But over time, my perfectionism morphed into something much larger — a toxic cocktail of anxiety, depression and OCD tendencies that took control of my life. If I couldn’t perfect something, I felt like a failure.
Despite these destructive emotions, I clung to my belief that perfectionism made me a better wife, mother and employee. I never considered how it impacted others — especially my children. I urged them to strive for perfection in everything they did, because mediocrity was unacceptable. When they stumbled, I didn’t fault them; I blamed my parenting, obsessing over every detail of what I should have done differently to achieve a better outcome.
It was the death of a loved one after she suffered a long illness that opened my eyes to the ineffectiveness of perfectionism, destroying any illusions I had of being in control. Her passing forced me to see that no matter how hard I tried to save her, the outcome was beyond my reach. Grief taught me to release more than just the friend I’d loved and lost; it forced me to surrender the heavy illusion of perfection that had shadowed my life. Instead of joy, perfectionism delivered less satisfaction and more disappointment. It was the emotional obstacle that prevented me from moving forward, because I was so fixated on what was missing that I nearly lost sight of the beauty in life’s imperfections.
According to an article by Dr. Cara Gardenswartz, Ph.D., in Psychology Today, “Recognizing the signs of perfectionism is the first step toward addressing its impact on mental health. Perfectionists may struggle with decision-making, procrastinate due to fear of not achieving perfection and feel intense pressure to meet unrealistic expectations. Acknowledging these patterns allows individuals to begin the process of change and seek healthier ways to manage their tendencies.”
Dr. Gardenswartz suggests strategies such as setting realistic goals, replacing negative thoughts to challenge perfectionist tendencies, practicing mindfulness and limiting social comparisons (this is a tough one with the onslaught of social media posts portraying people living “perfect lives”). She also stresses the importance of reframing our mistakes: “View mistakes as valuable learning experiences rather than failures. Each mistake can be a chance to grow, adapt and improve. Embracing mistakes as part of the learning process can lead to increased resilience and creativity.” In addition to accepting our mistakes, Dr. Gardenswartz believes we should practice self-compassion, develop a growth mindset and engage in self-care for personal fulfillment.
To put these lessons into practice, I shifted my focus from perfection to progress, celebrating each step forward — even when mistakes happened along the way. I treated those mistakes as learning opportunities rather than failures, and let go of the negative chatter in my mind.
Whenever perfectionist thoughts crept back in, I paused to see the bigger picture and questioned why the appearance of perfection mattered so much to me. By digging into my fears — of judgment, rejection and letting others down — I reminded myself that flawless people and flawless lives did not exist.
Turning off that inner critic was tough at first, but allowing myself some grace for my mistakes went a long way in learning to love myself again. I stopped fretting over the dust on my shelves or the slightly overcooked chicken dinner I prepared. Instead, I concentrated on what really mattered: time spent with friends gathered in my home and the laughter we shared around the table, even if the chicken was a little tough.
It took me a while to understand that everyone’s idea of perfection is different, and constantly chasing that illusion was harmful to my mental well-being. I realize now that perfection only exists within our imperfections, and for that reason, I know that I am enough.
More From The Girlfriend
Sex & Intimacy
Relationships
More for you, from AARP
We are a community from AARP. Discover more ways AARP can help you live well, navigate life, save money — and protect older Americans on issues that matter.