Fitness
The Problem Many Middle-Aged Men Seem To Share
It really comes through in the world of online dating.
Jackson Gibbs
As a middle-aged woman, I’ve had a successful career, traveled the world, survived a tough divorce and came out stronger on the other side, and raised a great kid. All those experiences have given me a sense of confidence and happiness that seems to come more easily to women in my age range than men.
The women in my life have a strong sense of who they are, but I’m not sure that’s true for men. I’ve navigated relationships and dating post-divorce, and it’s been surprising how much bad behavior I’ve encountered, which seems to stem from fragile egos and low self-esteem.
That’s very clear in the world of online dating, where many men seem to struggle with rejection. I know this isn’t true for all men, but it does feel like a recurring theme.
Dating is filled with first dates that end at first dates. Many are perfectly pleasant, but there’s just no spark. After one of those ‘fine-but-no-chemistry’ first dates, the man texted and asked for a second date. I hate ghosting, so I declined honestly, but kindly, with something to the effect of, “I had a nice time, but didn’t feel we clicked.”
The response back included a slew of insults. My personal favorites were that I looked “anxious and weathered” and “unhealthily skinny”; I’m pretty fit, but I love chocolate and a good burger (and who isn’t struggling with peri-menopause weight gain), so unhealthily skinny is just laughable.
And then there was the match that was very insistently pursuing me over text. It was fun and flirty at first, but when the expectations on how quickly I returned his texts got demanding, I told him I wasn’t interested. Hours after texting things like, “I need Michelle more in my life,” he texted, “You look like a man, and your boobs are too big.”
Really? You could at least be consistent and logical with your insults.
Clearly, this isn’t about me. I have enough confidence to laugh off the insults, but why do these men who clearly found me interesting and attractive feel the need to tear me down once I decline a second date (or in some cases just an ongoing text relationship)?
The only explanation that makes sense to me is fragile egos combined with a narcissistic need to blame a situation on anyone but themselves. I recently had an hour-long, promising phone date with a match. On a subsequent call, he told me that Bumble banned him. He explained that he scheduled a date with a woman, who stood him up, so he called her out, including telling her to “f*** off,” and she reported him. My response was that he had every right to confront her, but he could have done it more respectfully.
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He adamantly defended himself, and ultimately, it was his refusal to admit that he could have handled the situation better that made me want to not pursue a relationship.
When I “ended” things (and it never really started), he retaliated by yelling at me for wasting his time (isn’t that what dating is about — spending time with someone to figure out if it’s a match?) and then irrationally accused me of reporting him to Bumble and getting him banned.
I wish these were isolated dating stories, but I hear similar stories from so many women.
There have actually been studies that show men display more anger and hostility when rejected in the online dating world than women. And psychologists have linked it to “decreased personal self-esteem”; and an “impairment in self-regulation.”
The behavior in the online dating world is obvious, but I’ve experienced far more subtle instances of men needing to criticize me to make themselves feel better. I wrote off years of little digs at my cooking abilities, my driving skills, and more as my now ex-boyfriend’s sense of humor. But I never felt the need to put him down like that. I realize now it came from a place of his own insecurities.
Raising a teenage boy, these experiences have begun to feel bigger than dating. I want to teach my son how to deal with rejection, especially in a world where it’s so easy to be cruel from behind a screen. If you’ve made mistakes, own up to them and learn from them. But more importantly, hold your head up high and move on without putting others down.
As for me, I’ll probably continue to swipe because I know there are good men out there.
But I also know how I deserve to be treated, so I will keep laughing at the ridiculous insults and not tolerating the more subtle digs. And when all else fails, I’d much rather be with a group of my fabulous, confident girlfriends than a man with low self-esteem.
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